▼

crack ho

2011-11-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

EXPOSITION

walked to ‘fern rock transportation center’
unzipped wallet and saw 75 cents
slid card through atm slot
saw ‘out of service / see operator’ on screen

walked to ‘olney transportation center’

heard an approaching black man said words to me including 'coffee'
through the music of my headphones
furrowed my brow and kept walking

RISING ACTION

went into dunkin donuts
looked at a girl's face
she smiled and i approached her

'can i have a medium coffee, and can you guys add a shot of espresso' i said
with an anguished facial expression

'yeah' said the girl
'medium coffee with espresso shot. one ninety eight' she said
‘do you guys do cashback’ i said
‘no, sorry’ she said

i leaned against an orange pillar near a window in the wall
through which i saw that a black man mopped,
and an asian man handed people brown paper bags

people with brown paper bags left dunkin donuts
‘are you waiting for something?’ said the black man who mopped
‘yeah, a medium coffee with a shot of espresso’ i said, moving towards him
‘a medium coffee with a shot of espresso?’ he said loudly
‘hot coffee right’ he said
‘yeah’ i said
'hot' he said loudly

‘sorry here it is’ said a girl

inside a chinese food store,
the atm screen mentioned a $1.50 fee
the atm dispensed four $5s

CLIMAX

in ‘olney transportation center’
walked to machines that stood
near construction workers that sat

the first token machine wouldn’t accept the $5
the second token machine wouldn’t accept the $5

‘because of the construction workers,’
‘quickly’ put the $5 into the change machine
which gave me five gold dollar coins

saw words on each token machine:
‘this machine does not accept change’
shook my head a little and mumbled something

FALLING ACTION

i walked to the teller window
a man said ‘how you doin’
furrowed my brow and kept walking
i noticed i only had four gold dollar coins
i put three into the slots
the woman behind teller window gave me a piece of paper
and did something
i moved the metal things

DENOUEMENT

i walked towards the stairs
a woman said 'excuse me'
i turned
she moved in front of me
i saw her say 'excuse me' to a woman going down the stairs
who turned
and the first woman moved in front of her

relationship poem: a girl, pre-puberty

2011-10-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

it's very warm and i feel sensations

we pull our bathing suits to our stomachs

i say "okay, let's do it on the count of three"

i think we debate a little about if we're really going to

on the count of three we pull our bathing suits off

it's exciting

light comes through the covers

the covers are red with little white dots!!!

it’s red inside here and hot!!!

there is your body

it's a different day and you're sitting on my bed

i'm sitting on the floor

we're bored

i say you have to decide what we'll do

“well, what do you want to do,” i say (i dominate relationships right now in my life)

“well, you won’t want to do what i want to do,” you say

“well, say what it is!” i say

“you know,” you say

there is a rule that guests get to choose activities

in the closet

we take off all our clothes and hug standing up

this is interesting to me

i do feel a little begrudging

before, we were just handsy

now this

feels great

i tell you that much

my mom comes in the room and says “tory?”

our underwear is on a shelf in the closet

my mom opens door and light comes in the closet

my mom seems tall and her hair is dark

“oh my” says my mom

i feel very afraid

i think about the underwear

my mom says to put our clothes on and she goes away

“please don’t tell dad!” i say to my mom later

i expect some thing to happen now but nothing happens

i'm sitting in church, looking at the stage, where i'll be when i confess

how am i going to do this

why did i sin

everyone will know about how bad i am

and how hot it is under the covers

nothing happens

2011-08-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes when im playing sims3, i encourage myself... not to be bored by thinking about all the time the designers spent designing

and i think about that when watching movies, like the people spending all this time to make it

woo i am feelin weird

this my lil blog

no1curr wat i do at it

just gon post nonsense

laaaaaaaaaaaa blhhhhhhssssssshd9222222222222222222222222222222222

i have achieved something

2011-06-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

(my youtube name is oxygenlung)

i watched movies while lying in my bed at school 'hoping/praying' my roommate didn't come home sometimes going to vending machines for spicy fritos

2011-06-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

[Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring]

whispered 'this movie is crazy!' emphatically ~60 times

[The Squid and the Whale]

had some thoughts about this that i couldnt tell if were racist or post-race

like 'jews dont seem real'

'jews are just white people'

[The Prestige]

yes

scarlett johannson

yes

[25th Hour]

it's playing dramatic music while showing shots of 'ground zero'

i'm quitting

[The Machinist]

i'm scared

november 18 2010

2011-05-19T17:57:00.001-07:00

dreamt leeches were on my ass

at 10:30, K and boy came through room to K's room and they said words including "lotion"

"you have a little lotion right there" said K and "a little lotion mustache?" said boy

K laughed, boy left, K said "gotta write this paper" or something

her cell phone rang, she said "hey mom" and closed the door

I sat in front of my bed and read "Credo" by Plato, listened while K said words to someone named "Lily"

imagined her at her boarding school

I liked listening to her when she didn't know I was doing that

she said "I'm going to study at the Tea House" and I said "is it easier to concentrate there?"

we said words to each other and I thought about her voice now compared to how her voice sounded on phone to "Lily"

she left and I looked at things on the computer and read Credo until 11:20

looked at "Phaedo" by Plato a little

spent a lot of time looking at clothes, putting clothes on, looking in the mirror, then taking them off

at 12:00 I was walking. back in room changed clothes. walked to Lunch. H was on a balcony above the dining hall, talking to a person.

he waved at me. I smiled and waved. I walked to my mailbox. there was a memo. at Lunch ate tuna, baby romaine, tomatoes

sat with people I like sort of and they talked about how school sucks and they are excited for break and one made a giant banana, chocolate milk, peanut butter smoothie

brought 8oz coffee to math class. walked with R, asked him questions, didn't listen while looking at H walking in front of us

inspiration

2011-05-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

2011-03-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

thought 'afraid of everything, by my dad' after someone left the room

2011-03-13T17:29:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel like my dad, where he's scared people will hurt him, and he says things to defend himself, and he alienates them or something

sometimes when that happens, instead of feeling bad about being retarded around people, i feel affection and closeness with my dad

lol

things i've thought about today

2010-12-01T15:43:00.000-08:00

i made these flashcards to help me be decisive and unafraid. put them in my pocket. they are gone. do you think an insecure person pickpocketed me?

he said he really liked me and had a mental block about sex because of all the meaningless sex he'd had recently. said ‘im not in a rush’ and ‘i like you a lot too’ and ‘being naked is fun though’ and he said ‘yeah it is’ and took his underwear off and we spooned. seemed awesome. ‘skin on skin is like such an awesome feeling’ he said and i said ‘yeah, its weird’

he's assistant in my music class. after music class i like fumbled with my shit to waste time and then felt fear to look at his face and left and stopped for a long time at 2nd floor water fountain and slowly went down steps and stopped for a long time at 1st floor water fountain and then outside talked distractedly to this girl... felt like ‘dont you want to see him. why are you leaving.’ i was afraid he was oversaturated with me. decided to get coffee from dining hall but like hoped he’d also be there. waited in line and got coffee and as i was walking out he was in line and he said ‘hey, where are you going’ and interpreted that as him wanting me to stay and like starting walking with him and acted really indecisive, thinking ‘should i just tell him i felt weird after class’ but didn’t and said ‘i want to eat lunch with you...’ and then felt worried he wanted me to go away. in line for meat talked about music class and felt ‘dire’ ‘dread’ of awkwardness or something so tried to speak decisively... then he said ‘where to sit’ and i said ‘indeed, the question...’ lol and he picked a table by the window for two people and i put my food down and went to get water and came back and like... he wasn’t there for 5 minutes or something, in line for pasta. when he sat down felt like ‘look how my reality just opens up’ or something... then while talking to him felt indecisive and boring and scared

seems like indecisiveness at lunch was caused by indecisiveness after class

want to not think about other people's perceptions of me

to do this been trying to describe to self what i’m experiencing. seems like normally i just don’t think about a lot of things that i perceive

every time i look at his face i think something like ‘damn, visually pleasing’ and then ‘he thinks i’m hot, i’m at least as hot as he is’ and so i feel more competent generally

smells sexual when i take off pants lately, seems related

why am i in college...don’t care about what we’re learning at all... my goal still seems like ‘live in a forest near the equator’ ...

optimistic poem i wrote on july 16

2010-11-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

feel really good

just want people to validate me, just want to talk to people and connect with them

something inside every human

our human-ness

my dog also has it

ate a lot of chips and reese's pieces

don't feel emotionally terrible or confused

listening to t-pain

my niece's birthday is today

going to try to give her a good present

to show love

and human-ness

i'm a human

all humans are humans

...

i mean

something

i feel like ... something

part of me feels separate and angry, i think it wants to feel higher 'rank,' 'status,' than every other human

when i feel hungry i feel alienated from everyone and critical, but it's just because i'm hungry or something

wanting to feel higher 'rank,' 'status' than every other human makes me feel critical of myself and alone

criticism doesn't seem helpful to other humans unless... requested or something

idk...

it feels like i want to be really careful with critical thoughts, feelings, words

it feels so expansive to think about other people's thoughts and feelings

i wish i could understand other people's thoughts and feelings

i've been wearing a bag designed to look like a mailman bag around my house

my dog is so cute

it's okay to make my hands smell bad petting her because then i can wash them

i like writing because i want to get the things in my head out of my head

idk 'what's real'

description of being high on a water tower at night and being paranoid

2010-10-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

I like feeling safe near the beating heart of another human besides myself. Humans are warm. I like when a human says "You are human enough that I'll hold you for a little bit"

I want to move around the world smelling and feeling things, with another person or two.

I got high with a person, a while ago. It was 2nd time in my life, I would become afraid of random shit and it would make me feel really bad, and then I would stop being afraid. He calmed me down. I remember one time saying "I'm afraid that I'm racist against Mexicans," while he was standing near the edge of the water tower that we were on top of. Feels like I said that because I wanted him to focus his attention on me, more. He walked over and sat cross legged across from where I was sitting cross legged and I felt satisfaction. But then he started talking about racism and I felt scared that he actually thought I was racist and that he would hurt me, I think I had a tiny flash image of being thrown off the water tower, and remembered my perceptions of things he'd said before as irrationally strong opinions or something... I remember him saying something like "I really, completely believe that all humans are completely equal," and me pressing my interlaced fingers against my chest for emphasis and saying "no, no, I know." And saying like "it's because they are different from me, I feel interested, and then I feel a special interest whenever I see a Mexican, and then I feel anxiety like 'why do I feel a special interest in this person?' " I remember like, expressing disgust for that thought with my tone, I think. And him saying "If anything I think that's good, like most people aren't interested in other people." And then sometimes I would feel calm and look around and the world seemed nice, big, and okay. I remember sort of talking about the irrationality of being afraid of things. I felt really engaged, I think, not detached, and like, connecting. Probably just because he agreed with things I said. But I would feel anxious that he was just being nice for some random reason and then look at his face and feel that he was being kind to me out of something human-ish, and like, I don't know, I felt really good about him. Eventually I got this thought process attached to his face like "this will calm you down, this doesn't want to hurt you, this is wise." I remember talking about ego-loss and enlightenment. I remember being like "are you enlightened?" and him laughing and saying "no, it takes years to get to that," and me saying "No! I don't believe that! It can happen in just a second, it's just cognitions! Every thing you do is only cognitions, like ..." or something. And I remember at one point talking about responsibility and how we have to take it for every thing. I felt really excited that he agreed and was like "Whoa!" and expressed that and he said "lots of people believe that, you just have to talk to people," and I remember feeling dread or something like, aware that I just had desired to be in a club with him where we knew things together. I do want that, to be in clubs with people where we know things. And also, after any thought, I would think about myself, and what I'd done or something and analyse that, and I do that all the time IRL and it fucks my life a little. I want to think before I do something and then do it hard and well, yeah. Yeah. Don't get distracted by thinking about myself. And he would tell funny stories or just anything about his life and I would feel interested and amused sometimes and then feel excited that I felt interest/amusement from another person and then feel depressed or something and start focusing on myself. And I could feel my facial expression change and his, probably was a little hyper aware of my facial expressions, I mean I always am though. Oooh and I kept doing "unconscious" body movements like putting my hair behind my ear and like just moving my hands and legs around and it reminded me of things i did when I was little, like I would just feel like "oh" like, remember feeling the things that caused me to move my body in that way when I was little, which seemed cool, felt like weed like uncovered physical associations from childhood I guess. Felt like I kept thinking about kindergarden.

HI GUYS

2010-09-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

today a couple times, the way sound entered my ears got weird and lopsided

it's weird how blogs are just like people, sort of, like, they could be anything

i was going to post a bunch of poems but i dont like any of them

they seem irrelevant and abstract

like my thoughts

scared of how dramatic i am

is dramatic 'just another' word for irrational

david foster wallace

2010-08-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

hey

listening to hip hop

lean back by terror squad

u no how i do it

going to talk about this shirt i got now

it is soft and green and small

it says 'c is for crunk' in yellow letters

it looks like the picture, but different colors

also have a corresponding grey shirt with pink letters saying 'g is for gangsta'

social networking site mention

after purchasing i learnt there's a facebook called "C is for Crunk; G is for Gangsta"

here is an excerpt from the facebook group's description

"We drink gin straight out the handle, will cut a heffer need be, begin and end every sentence with 'word,' and are convinced that this makes us true gangstas ... in other words we are bunch of crazy broads who should not be tested"

worried i'll be mistaken for a prostitute in the 'c is for crunk' shirt

scared of that re christian upbringing

it doesn't seem nice to send messages via one's chest

if i see messages on other people's shirts i feel funny

seems hype in a vague way

doesn't crunk mean crazy drunk...

i havent gotten crunk in a minute

other things to consider

i think if i saw a girl wearing the 'g is for gangsta' shirt i'd feel happy

how much do people care about shirts other people are wearing

do i want to support random and irrational clothes-choicing

do i even like these shirts

i like the way they look, the letters and the shirt together

i like the way they feel

(terribly soft)

'giving up'

'whatever' i guess

'who even cares...'

'reason never helped anyone'

'the enlightment-inspired industrial revolution decreased everyone's quality of life'

disclaimer

hehe

yall know i'm just playin

hi

2010-08-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

floral shirts are becoming more a part of my personal brand

gentle small flowers on white backgrounds

and pale, thin, button-up plaid shirts

i don't know

today i moved around, did some stuff

stayed hydrated

studied the greek alphabet

sorry

bye

what does that facial expression mean

2010-08-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

i felt good reading to the lighthouse by virginia woolf

virginia woolf seems accepting

i feel good reading this book in front of people on the bus and in church. i love when people see me reading and think i'm smart. if people think you're smart you're all set. you just have to make people think that

sexy can i

2010-07-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

i read 'to have and have not' by ernest hemingway

it's about a man who is good at sailing, and smuggles things on boats

he's like, a real, true man

also has an old man and some rich people

i felt engaged

there's a lot of violence i guess, aggression being expressed

hemingway doesn't use cliches or stock phrases, he isn't melodramatic

i want to be a 'true man' like the main character

his wife was fat but he loved her and stuff

both him and his wife didn't care about their 3 daughters. seemed good

on the cover of my book is a picture of humphrey bogart and lauren bacall, it says that there is a movie of it. i hope lauren bacall doesn't play his wife/ feel like there's a 80% chance she does.

his wife was supposed to be 45 yro and fat.

i admire ernest

seemed disdainful of rich people

seems like ernest is showing that...rich people are hardly ever 'true men'

seems like 'true men' do exist, like i agree with ernest's differentiating... feel like i'm a true man, tbh, secretly. went running after reading this, and am planning to do my hair in a more confident way, re my inner manliness. thought about this while looking in the mirror like 'lesbianism? no. idk... lesbianism? but sex with men....' or something

in this book lots of times hemingway would type a characters thoughts like that, sort of in 1st person but no personal adverbs, and i liked that

i'm eighteen years old, stupider than ever, this is gay and i'm opposed

2010-07-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

talking to other people about things helps me understand the 'chaos' in my brain

in the shower, bending over to rub soap off my leg, i became aware of something in my brain

thinking about how i'm going to start thinking more like an 'adult' because it's what's expected and it's probably what will happen, when i became aware of the thing inside me who was going to watch me become an adult

felt nice

i felt happy after that because of the thing inside me

felt connected to it

felt valuable

honestly feel like my goal, like the goal of my life

is to feel awesome in social situations

which seems horrific

so maybe not the goal of my life

just want to live somewhere that doesn't have a lot of cereal

just want to not be fat

just want to always feel like i'm doing things i want to be doing

don't ever feel like that...wait

wait...

i don't want to read 'the plague' by camus

been reading it tho

also don't want to read any more of 'the iliad' by homer

have to for college

going to a college that will require me to read a lot of shit i won't want to or something

seems dumb...

just want to live in the forest, still

fuck fuck fuck

i'm not a motivated person

there is nothing i want, because i know about everything already, have already experienced everything, and decided it was bad

i automatically like people if other people call them sarcastic even if they use gay forms of sarcasm

heh

just ate ice cream and cereal, seems strange that i decided to blog, my brain is so slow

seems like i should be nicer to things or something

if i think about what they want and how they feel, other things

.... just want someone smarter to talk to me

honestly feel like i just want that

insecurity or something has stopped me from doing many things i wanted to do

this blog post may be gay

feels sort of gay

my stomach feels like a sad cell phone

my cell phone looks sad because the last text it got started 'no, i must clean my house tonight'

lol, jk jk

my brain just feels horrible

just...horrible

feels like it's been sleeping

why did i eat that cereal...

want to kill everyone

doctor's appt tomorrow

doctor

at work i walk around, moving objects to different locations, smiling at people

i don't believe that i'll die except very occasionally in my bathroom while crying

social situations are terrible

i feel like the message of 'the plague' by camus is 'social situations are terrible' or something

just want to explode

just want to articulate every neuron path that occurs

yeah

sitting here in a bathrobe

insecure about if i'm stupid

devoting brain space to friends and relations, which takes brain space from consciousness and spinach

want more spinach

this blog post is complaining

trying to think like hikikomori era writers, in order to follow development tradition of them

i'm 18 years old

bout to knock a bitch up

don't care about nuffin

people think i'm cute, or strange, or awkward

feel worried they'll think i'm cruel or dramatic

just want to have a persona that communicates an awareness of my brain not being righter than any brain, of rightness not existing

brains are so fucked

sorry this blog post is so fucked

honestly feel sorry

"i just want you to know how i feel" - big boi

jk, some chick that big boi samples

in the song 'ghetto musick'

from album 'speakerboxxx'

been doing 'freewriting exercises' in a composition notebook

feels pimpin

listened to t.i.'s 'trap muzik' for first time

sorry about this blog post

benjamin andre, signing out

ps got a road bike

sup brosephs

2010-06-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

'got high' the other day for 1st time, ya ya

got scared and ran away fast from 5 bros i was with

ran 1 mile to my house

while running, started thinking words that weren't english that i seemed to recognize from when i was little. mostly they were in a chanty sing song tone, seemed like my brain was using them to combat stress and anxiety. i felt like i knew what the words meant. at one point felt sure i was going to be raped while hearing them repeated in a chanty sing song tone. also i thought of my physical sensations, especially the dryness in my throat, as like, shapes...lol

it was pretty sweet not gonna lie

i was really scared and paranoid lying under a bush in my neighborhood, trying to figure out like...what was real... i thought something like 'but what about tao lin' and then imagined that like...tao lin's whole...internet identity was created to assist gang rapes

that is true brosephs and brosephines

still feel unsure

walked around my neighborhood today and it started getting dark and i started feeling real scared again. facial expressions felt mildly out of control. fear of cars and shit.

when i was little i was afraid of a lot of stuff

hasn't happened for a while

re developing reason and rationality or something

but the weed apparently like...unearthed something

also, while i was high i felt aware of making decisions between like, what seemed reasonable and what seemed like... my instinct i guess

it was pretty sweet

my instinct seemed like it was always run and hide

though one time my instinct was ring my neighbors doorbell. like i thought 'what do i physically want to do' and i pictured my self running up to the door, then drinking tea at their kitchen table while they assured me they wouldn't tell my parents

today i listened to the song 'buddy' by 'de la soul' and thought it was about using weed to have sex with girls

hehe

also today i thought about how scared i was of rape, and how that should make me want to cause less pain and suffering, so i ordered a medium black iced coffee from dunkin donuts instead of with cream. but then at work someone didn't text me back and i put 3 creamers in my coffee

feel worried that my entire paranoia is completely false

which would indicate something like... distrust of everyone

i remember while being high being afraid that i was wrong and everyone would think i was really uncool

i don't know what to do now

like...don't want anyone to think i'm uncool

lol...

things i think when doing things

2010-04-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

when watching the tv show glee i thought

'i want to be like hunter gatherers

live in a group of people

have some rules

gather food

swim in cold water a lot

climb trees

play tag

have ceremonies and rituals involving dancing to drums near a fire'

when biking i accidentally think 'the universe is saying that We Must Try Harder' sometimes

when walking around my neighborhood i think about the trees, usually i don't articulate specific stuff, just feel pleasant and relaxed while my eyes focus on them

sometimes when someone eats audibly near me, i feel comfortable and sleepy

2010-03-25T18:26:00.001-07:00

especially if they eat from a crinkly bag

and they seem un-self-conscious

my eyes close a little and i can feel my entire body relax

i edited this post making most of the comments irrelevant

2010-03-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

blacks

in my elementary school there was a lot of black people

i don't know

black people

jean rhys said that native dominicans are 'warm and gay' and the whites were cold and sad or something

life

i am comforted listening to rainbowarriors by cocorosie

am i gonna change less as i get older

cause i suck

i think about things in life like 'if scientists did a study about this..'

cause im a retard

i wish i could make the sky rain whatever food i wanted whenever i wanted it like that book they made a movie out of

today i ate eggs bacon and toast for breakfast

today i ate a crispy chicken sandwich and oreo frosty from wendy's for lunch

today i held my chin shoulders and chest up a lot

i think about my childhood too much / am obsessed with it

can someone reassure me about this

regional differences

'jawn' is a word only from Philadelphia?

paper trails by t.i. review i copy-pasted from pitchfork.com

2010-03-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

*warning* I only like T.I. because of his physical appearance and voice perhaps *warning*

I really liked this album.

It was easy for me to hear all the lyrics.

I liked the beats.

T.I. seems awesome.

His lyrics are funny and deep.

jk.

T.I. is very attractive to me. It feels specific to me, the way he's attractive. I feel especially happy when I look at his mouth in videos.

He is from Atlanta, Georgia. That's 'The South'. Rap music from 'The South' is my favorite, 'because it is awesome.' Seems like east/west coast rap is further from the roots of like, rap music. Re slavery and 'Negro spirituals.' Rap from 'The South' seems more confident, less insecure than coastal rap. From my severely limited knowledge. (70% based on top-40 radio, 10% my siblings, 20% looking at Wikipedia or something...what)

T.I. seems like he is 'awesome.'

His voice is sexually attractive.

He has so much swag; his swag is overflowing.

"What the game need wit chu nigga, they got me." - T.I.

I like how he seems to have a strip of facial hair both over his upper lip and beneath his bottom lip.

"Even though my head in the clouds, my mind on the pavement." - T.I.

Track 3, "Ready for Whatever," is about his motivation to own an illegal firearm.

"I'm just tryna let you know that I don't think I had a choice"

"yes, officially I broke the law, but not maliciously"

seems like T.I. is not that angry about it, and is going to pull through, even more awesomely.

Track 4, "On Top of the World," seems to be about how he used to live differently, before he got mad rich. Actually, it is just about how he is mad rich. Which he is [I guess]. Featuring Ludacris and B.o.B. [Bobby Ray?? idk who he is].
"I use to dream about the money and the cars and girls. But now I sing, oh woah, cause I'm sitting on top of the world."

Track 5, "Live Ya Life," features Rihanna. Rihanna wants to fuck T.I. Everybody wants to fuck T.I.
This song was a radio hit. Starts out with the numa numa clip. weird. that seems weird.

The album is available for download at the Pirate Bay, here is a link.

i'm alone

2010-03-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

am i smart

what do i mean

god damn

it is bad to tweet

i love to tweet

it is bad to feel not-alone, then realize that you're alone

want to 'get drunk'

want to incorporate 'running' into my daily routine

but i feel out of control while running

also, running through the suburbs i will pass lots of athletes having coffee in their breakfast porches

it is bad to drink a lot of coffee so that you feel out of control

i feel smartest when i 'give up' and stop trying to be good

like i am acknowledging.. like, 'meaninglessness' and how there's 'no point'

but idk

walking in a graveyard this morning, thought it was impossible for me to have meaning while alone like this

but idk

at first i thought thinking 'i'm self aware' would make me be good, but then i forgot what self aware meant

seems like later i'll remember, but forget what 'meaningful' means

my face looks bad this morning

2010-03-08T06:03:00.001-08:00

ate ice cream at 1.45 last night

have not been eating at night typically though now

saw a text - my phone has no minutes - facebook msg'd person

the sun is shining again today

wanted to watch 'sleeping beauty'

going to walk around my neighborhood now